I need some music

I need more music, I haven't listened much to “Andrea Bocelli”, but I feel like I need to close my eyes and let the music run through me. I am feeling so grateful and safe. I don’t have a lot of money right now at this time in my life but feel so secure and loved. My sister, Fritz and parents have been so wonderful to me and my kids making us feel so special and loved.

Vegas Baby

Made it to Vegas! So f…ing fun. Yes, we took the kids but did it all. I am not sure why Vegas is my favorite place, I guess just like the little kids….I love the lights. I love the feeling I guess. When we first arrived Ben looked at me and said “Mom, I cant wait to be Amazed”. Both nights we were in bed by 8:30pm. They thought they were up all night. We went swimming, we went to the Adventuredome and let the kids ride all day at “Circus Circus”, went to my favorite nacho place and my favorite beer place and both times the kids were Average in behavior but jacked up on Pepsi, we took pictures with the CocaCola Polar bear, had ice cream, went to Fremont street to look at the lights and hear the music, drove up and down the strip, walked through a few hotels and even caught a buzz… Ben Barends Style. We did Vegas with my dad and it was kickback and low budget fun. Didn’t eat too well, but got all of the specials and we loved it.

Over the many years of doing Vegas, I learned that the best things happen between 10am & 10pm. I would do vegas with the kids any day, they were a blast.

The Birthday Party

Last Saturday was so funny. We went out on a friends 40^th birthday party. We started off eating hibachi, then stood outside of the wrong comedy club watching a line build of people going into a club dressed in S&M. Finally when the 3 girls lined up with tassels over their nipples and no sign of another line for a comedy show that was to begin in 30 minutes we got the call that we were in the wrong place.

So the comedy show.

It was funny in the middle. One of the acts played guitar and made up songs that were so funny. The best was the song that he said he was asked to create and perform for a church comedy show. On the whole it was funny but the funniest part was how uncomfortable all of the religious people in the audience were. He was singing honest versions of some unfortunate religious beliefs that just go with the territory.

So then I have to admit that our friends that were nestled up front were a bit too drunk. It was a bday party so no worries, right? Well the final comic act was a super weird guy. He was a bald guy with glasses who wanted to rap and change lyrics to standard songs. Average on funny. He was also one of those guys who had to have everything perfect or he could not move on. When the music played our friends would wave their hands which made him feel that the audience had their eyes on them and not on him, then he yelled at the sound guys and actually left the stage to get the sound right, then finally told our friend that she was “fucking annoying”…she left then he turned to her husband and said “Your not going to leave, right? Your better than that”. Ok, so regardless if he meant something else, he basically called out the husband who had a few drinks and left him no other choice but to stick up for his wife. And now…we were in the middle of a brawl. “Awkward”!!! My only regret was that I did not get this on video…definitely viral you tube stuff. I mean how many times does that opportunity come along.  It was one to remember.

I feel guilty for having so much fun and worrying about nothing. I miss my hubby so much but I am feeling a little bad that I am not missing Brasil yet. only time will tell.

State of ME

I’m back. Yes, it is great to be back. My sister has an amazing house in an amazing neighborhood and we haven’t run out of things to do yet. The kids are thriving and this gives me peace. Actually we have even been finding it hard to catch up on the time difference. Look here it is 6:30am and I am awake… still 10 days later. We have also had a tough time adjusting to the dryness however it’s a blessing for my skin. The weather in Arizona is warm and cool at night. It is a brisk cool because of how dry it is here. I am just happy that I didn’t just get off the plane in the Colorado winter…that would have been too much.

America was just as I had left her however it is sure that I have changed. Amazingly the first time in 1 year and 2 ½ months, I could hear all of the conversations around me and you know what? I actually didn’t miss that at all. When I began to speak at first I would start to translate, then think no one will understand me anyway but only to realize that I could talk and whatever I was about to say, they understood me. And now… you wouldn’t believe it…I have nothing to say. At first it felt like a struggle even to pick up the phone.

But then my friend K-10 from Alaska drove in to see me last week. She was visiting her mom in Palm Springs and drove to Phoenix. We had a blast, I talked so much the first day that my throat was sore from the dryness. It was so good to catch up and to share on a deep level my experiences in Brasil and still she wanted to know more.

What is it like being home? When I stepped off the plane in the U.S. it was in the morning. This is the time when the business men are traveling. Everyone was equipped with an I pad or laptop, dressed in suits and they all seemed big, tall & important. The smell of cologne and breakfast food was the America that I remember. I am sitting in the land of the best. Where everyone is in a race for the best of everything. It really makes me realize how far Brazil can go and how much money there is to be made in that country. Imagine if America is always maxing it out. When there is a coffee shop on one corner… just give it time and a better one is soon to be on the next. If you have an idea it is done and having ideas are as nerve racking as running the business because time is always of the essence. No matter the state of the economy, America is still the land of opportunity and where “Luck” has only a small factor in your personal destination. Living in Brasil, I was sure that it was all based on luck.

As I said there is not tons of space economically like Brasil, but I can see that the innovation is still alive. Now Brasil, assuming you can get the people to change and be open to new things…the sky is the limit. Everyone who gets into the Brazilian market at the bottom could be on top of the “Pyramid” and only if they begin to let themselves. I don’t mean to compare as if I am not grateful for the mind blowing personal experience and adventure that I have been given, but I do feel at home for the first time in Months. I am more patient, more accepting and have an unusual feeling of personal responsibility. What does that mean? I have no clue, I have always had personal responsibility but in the past I felt it more on the outside and now I feel it inside.

2 weeks... America

Well the blog isn't dead, I have just been too busy to write or really to think.  I thought a lot the first day but then got ok with the idea that my blog too needed a break.... and you know what?  Thats OK. 
So, I am working on one but I have been working on that for about 2 weeks now.  Ill be in touch.  :)

The State of the Union

Nope, didn’t see it yet but did see the posts on Facebook. So here is what I have to say about that.

I wish we could reason with Americans who blame Obama for the world coming to an end while they seem to forget any part about how their candidates helped to put us in this situation, though on the other hand blame Obama for not doing enough. They easily can forgive Newt's not so perfect marriages as he touts Family Values and call anyone who doesn’t agree with them “un American or un Christian”. We all want to hear what makes us feel good, but it is time to stop the fighting in circles because we are all on this sinking ship like it or not. The problem ought to be the Corporations/Banks buying elections as they are seen as “People”; couldn’t both sides at least agree on this?

Stop blaming the poor for being poor. Imagine what it would be like living in a country with really poor people who have no help, imagine if you could understand that it is for this reason ALL Americans can Dream & have Hope (if they choose). It would almost be impossible for someone living in a poor state (not neighborhood) in Brasil to become a lawyer. America is the greatest experiment in Democracy and it is our job to protect it together, it was a gift! The ideas that built this country are still alive though no doubt being abused. When did you stop believing in a helping hand? This is the SPIRIT that makes us unique. I learned this living in a foreign Country.

I would love to see you be thankful for what makes us ALL Americans, be it artists, scientists, Construction workers, Govt/State employees, the top 1%, the welfare recipients, Actors/Musicians/Athletes, immigrants and most of all (in a nutshell) YOU…The MIDDLE CLASS.

Hey Yo...What do you know.

A few times in my life, I have been given a song.  Here is one from a dear friend. 

Wendy McNeill - Holly O'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jntQW_Aezs

She walks around the corner
Her heart small and tight as the ass in her jeans
She is a nail biter
Fueled by fire and comic book scenes
She thought art held the answer
But the moments of insight made the questions get larger
She knew this town held treasure
But the map was confusing started feeling like pressure

Hey yo
What do you know
Sweet holly sweet holly sweet holly o'?
Hey yo
Where will you go
Sweet holly sweet holly sweet holly o'?

She says she's not worried of being alone
Her mind gives her more than her lovers
Has no desire to travel back home
The big smoke nurtures more than her mother

A three legged dog hobbled across her path
Part polka part freak show
She studied she laughed
As she thought about how he'd arrived at that state
Was it genetics or some weird twist of fate
No collar no master
How she could relate

Hey yo
What do you know
Sweet holly sweet holly sweet holly o'?
Hey yo
Where will you go
Sweet holly sweet holly sweet holly o'?

2 days

Honestly I am at a loss of things to say, things to ponder and things to try to understand.  All I know is that I am homesick and the days until I arrive home do not go by fast enough.  So, here I am with 2 days to go.  At this point I do not know what is going to happen.  I wonder if I will miss Brasil, If 2 months will be too long or if I will just get off the airplane and cry.  why?  Geez Jill, you are living in a foreign country…a tropical one even.  Well, I am lucky to have this experience but it doesn’t come without a price.  The price was that I had to change, I had to see the world differently, I had to see my life differently.  I think you know if you read me that it has been uncomfortable almost daily, but that is behind me now.  When I come back the work is done and the future is bright and the sky is the limit.  I also think about what life will be like visiting my land; you know it will be the first time in a long time that I will not have to worry about more that wearing clean clothes and enjoying myself.  I will be too far away to worry about Rodrigo’s business and I have no business of my own, just the kids and my beloved family.  Well whatever happens and however I feel, this will be the last post from this side.  It will be the last post from a lost woman who is trying to understand a world so foreign because when I return it will not be the first time anymore so there will be no more excuses.  My next post will be seeing Brasil from America and figuring out what just happened.  One thing that I do know is that I might just find out that the Old saying “Wherever you go…there you are”, applies yet again.

8 days

Take the dog, leave the dog, take the dog, leave the dog... this is the question.

9 days to go.

This is my last week of work before we leave.  It is the only thing we think about all day, the kids and I.  Nope, haven’t started packing yet.  Still trying to get the laundry done in rain with no dryer and a broken washer; It is a much more simple life here but simpler to do the average household tasks there.  Can’t wait for the front load washer and dryer. 

10 Days

10 days to go until I am home.  Every day I get more and more excited and the kids usually start all of their sentences with “Mom, when we go back to America…”  Gabi said she wants to give Grandma a bunch of kisses.  I want that too.

Boys n Cats

The kids came home tonight wondering where Casi was.  Gabriela was upset to find out that Casi had passed away.  She went to her room, put her head in her hands and cried “Casi got away”.  It was so sad and I cried too.  Just then Ben came in and tried to comfort Gabi.  “You are sad that Casi is gone?”  I asked Ben “Are you sad” and he replied.  “Yes, but Boys don’t cry about cats, my brain told me that”.

So, only 11 more days until I see my family and we can hardly wait. 

Time Marches On

Sometimes we choose to suffer or to let one suffer because we want to hold on but the real strength is in letting go. 
Today, I let my “Tiddles” pass on and I had to remember my strength and beliefs as I was emotionally holding on to her and questioning myself as I wondered if I was making the right choices as if I would not do the right thing.  I was on the other side of euthanasia and remembered back to my time as a vet tech and had to recall all of the time I saw animals suffering because their owners would not let go.  The only way that I could feel strength was to go outside of myself and ask “what would you do if it were someone else in your shoes?”  Thank god I have been a level headed person because that is what I sought, my strength came from believing and trusting myself to guide me when I was too emotional to see straight.  I guess I remembered that “death” is not scary; it is peaceful.  I remembered that the body is only a vessel for the soul and it was her soul that blessed my life.  And mostly I remembered that we all come from the same place and we return as it is our journey to do so.

It was a beautiful 16 years with my kitty and I am so thankful for every hug, every complaint, every time she made me move so that she could sleep on my pillow, and for her ability to love me unconditionally.  “Casi”/”Tiddles” lived her life with me and for me and the best thing I could eventually do for her was to let her go.  With love there is peace.

If only life were simple. This week has been terrible. My cat of 15 1/2 years is dying and I can do nothing but wait. I had accepted her death but at the last minute rushed her to the hospital in hope that we can do something. It is hard to say goodbye and my heart goes out to all who have lost. Love is the only thing we can give that lasts forever… I guess if I have given this then may be death is understandable.

Hmmm...Found both on FB today.

Animal Update

I am so tired today as I spent the first part of the day organizing again.  We spent the rest of the day at the pool and my back is killing me.  Had to take my cat in for fluid therapy again, she will be in the hospital for 2 days.  Poor Casi, she has renal failure.  My cat is 15+ years old and even though it is terrible, after she gets fluids she is the same old cat again for another 3-6 months.  I know my animals are getting old; I am just happy that I can help her and mostly understand what is going on.  Her vet is a really nice and speaks English.  The hospital is the most advanced in town and reminded me a bit of the Emergency Hospitals that I worked in.

As for Bhellie, well some days I look at her and think this is it…then the next moment she if fine.  Last week for instance she looked terrible and then I took her for a bath and now she looks and acts like a puppy again.  Today she was even hiding bones.  It is hard when you pets get old, especially since I have looked at them as children for 15 years.  Tomorrow I will go to visit Casi and she will have a look of disgust on her face, she always does when I abandon her (she thinks). 

Well other than this all is well, my classes start again on the 10^th and then bon voyage 16 days later. 

Good night!

A No Expectation Kind of Year

I don’t know what it is but I haven’t wanted to write for a while now. Actually even right now I am trying to convince myself. New Years was great, quiet with Rodrigo’s family. We ate a lot of wonderful food as always and took it easy. I can’t think of what direction to go. Should I tell you my New Year’s resolutions, talk about my trip to America coming up in a couple of weeks, Rodrigo’s business, my state of mind or 2012?

I guess I will just start with my new year’s resolution and it is… nothing. I have nothing. Maybe it is to have no expectations. The only thing I have learned in 35 years is that life is very unpredictable, so maybe I am just keeping it real time, going with the flow, keeping my stress low and finding ways to enjoy my kids. Actually, one way I decided to lower my stress with the kids is to completely organize the house. Not leave one corner available for Gabriela to get into anything. She is one of those kids who have to touch everything and the sharper, wetter or more expensive a thing is… the more appealing. I am also crazy about dirty things; it has become worse due to the fact that there is a lot of trash, dust, and animal shit around my neighborhood. So, today, I made them a playroom so that now they have a place to go that is upstairs too. We are calling it the “Imagination Station & Quiet Corner”. Yes it is serving a dual purpose. Actually I have gone from a pack rat to a person who loves to throw shit out. So that covers New Years and on to my trip.

U.S.A., here I come. Funny in Brasil I have to put the A at the end which makes me feel like I am writing a logo on a t-shirt or something. In the United States I always abbreviated it U.S. but in Brasil it is E.U.A. Actually when I say America or the U.S. people look confused and I never use E.U.A so…well actually this is a short story to describe how my Portuguese is going. Hardy har and I aint fuckin kidding. I was looking through some papers that a friend of mine gave to me to help me with my Portuguese. He wrote out the many ways of conjugating a verb in Portuguese. So today I got to see the 24 other ways that I am not using the verb Drink, Love or Sleep right. This is another reason that I need to go the U.S…I need some inspiration for my return. It is like I am special and not just because I am American anymore. Now I am special in like a bearded lady sort of way.

Well anyway, I couldn’t be more excited and neither are the kids. It will just be us and we will be gone for 2 months. Do I think it will be too long? I guess that is what I am going to find out. I want to find out if I am going to miss Brasil. Sure I have fun here and sure we have family here, but will I long to return?

You know we are on Vacation right now and have been since the 20^th of Dec. My mom asked me the other day if it was like being in Prison. That would sound weird to most, but it is true that we spend almost all of our day in our house. We swim and play at the park but really other than a walk daily to the store we are in the house. Why? Safety? Dirty Streets? Everything’s expensive? No one to hang with? Communication? I don’t know. Actually it is all of these things. I guess that is why I have been such a good blogger for the past year. You have become my outlet. I even tried to keep up with my American Politics, but for my own sake I had to let that go. That wasn’t the new direction that I wanted to take myself. So, I will go. With no expectations and will spend my time relaxing and vacationing in America and loving all of the little things that I took for granted.

Speaking of that…right now I can only imagine how happy I am going to be to sit in the bathtub and have hot water to wash my clothes and hands? I am thinking about how wonderful it is going to be to look out the front door of my house and not see a gate and to not smell the smell of some asshole burning plastic for a whole 2 months. I feel like cussing uncontrollably or crying. You see it is the fucking details; I overlook them from time to time to balance my life. So I don’t know what to expect for 2012, I don’t know what I want and I really don’t know who I am anymore. All I know is that whatever this process has done to me and I am grateful for growth, I know that after my trip to America something will be clear and maybe that is why this year I have no expectations. Maybe this head change will be the heart change that I am looking for.

Well there we go, it’s a blog. I guess I can leave Rodrigo’s business, my state of mind or 2012 for another day. Again, Happy New Year my Friends!

I just re-discovered cinnamon toast!