Yesterday it was very hot outside and so I took the kids to the pool. I was very tired due to the fact that I just walked 1.5 miles carrying Gabi to pick up Ben from School. It seems as if when I am walking with Gabi, she wants to be held. I hold her all the way…No problem because if I don’t we go at a snail’s pace and we always seem to get a late start anyway. Even Bhellie was too tired &hot to finish the walk and I had to carry her for a little bit of the journey which ended up at the Padaria with ice cream. So, then we went to the pool to cool down. When at the pool, Ben always finds someone to play with right away and Gabi practices her swimming. She has a floating swimsuit and has just learned how to paddle to keep her head above the water. Now she jumps in and yesterday was trying to stick her head under, she is my risk taker. The neat thing about being at the pool is that there are mostly kids and parents talking and I understood every word. I heard everything for 2 hours solid. I felt like I was in a different world and had a burst of confidence. I also wondered if I was always able to hear but had my mind closed? It made me think.
The other night we went to a party of one of my students. We arrived late so it was just his family there and they were very gracious. The made more food for us and were giving us beers by the threes. It was awesome. For some it was the first time that they had sat with a Foreigner and there were two…and Fernando. It was funny, Fernando was pissed because everyone was saying how much they loved Addisun & I and were catering to us and he just sat there. At one point there was a woman who could speak Portuguese but was losing her hearing so she had to read lips. She said to me “if you don’t know Portuguese it is because you don’t want to”. I guess I pointed at her and said “Your right!” Now I had a many beers and when Addisun reminded me about it the next day I thought it was hilarious because I was being honest. I was giving the short answer to the complicated situation that I had with my journey here. It may be true, I didn’t want to learn. I was so frustrated with my first 3 months here in Brasil that I was just waiting to go home and surviving the rest.
It was my response to feeling completely misunderstood and unaccepted when I first arrived. Of course it was contradictive to my experience but let’s just say there were many unexpected surprises and learning curves. I can’t explain it really but it was my truth, maybe since then; bringing it to the forefront of my mind, I can now start to hear and let go of the past. For some time I also have to admit for the first time in my life; I was harboring anger.
With so much misunderstanding and the fact that I couldn’t communicate, I decided not to communicate especially once I met English speaking friends. I guess I had the “I’ll show you” mentality but hurt me instead. Who knows why we punish ourselves for things that we can’t understand or change. I don’t feel anger anymore when I think back, now I accept that it was a confusing time for all and I may never understand and guess what? That’s OK! My mom will be soooo proud.
