Jill In Brazil: Moving forward while looking back

Jill In Brazil: Moving forward while looking back: "So here was my day. I am still a little sick so keep this in mind. We get up, take Ben to school and then take a drive to get s..."

I was Moving forward but looking back

So here was my day.  I am still a little sick so keep this in mind.  We get up, take Ben to school and then take a drive to get some paperwork done in another town.  I get home and it was a good day with the kids… so this is great and then off to work.  We only have one car so at 8:30, I had to take a motorcycle taxi home like I did last night but this time it wasn’t the same.  This time I got home at 8:45ish and no one was at the house.  I did not have my babysitter’s number because I had to take a motor taxi and my book that has all my numbers seemed too bulky to carry with me, I wasn’t thinking.

My first thought and only true thoughts were OMG, something’s wrong… very wrong.  It was my worst nightmare unfolding right in front of my eyes.   My kids are hurt, and or my kids have been taken. Extreme, I know but I am a mom.  I was expecting to find them running around the house, fed and showered.  Once the motor Taxi drove a way, I had the worst feeling of desperation.  I didn’t have a phone, a car, any phone numbers, I only knew Rodrigo’s cell phone so, I ran to the pizzeria down at the corner asked to use the phone in Portuguese and it was something like “can I use your phone to call my husband, my kids are not in my house and I am worried, please I will give you a dollar”.  I called my husband’s cell phone; and put the $1 real on the counter.  He didn’t answer.  My thoughts were what can I do?  What should I do?  The other thought was I must do the best thing because I don’t have a lot of time and I am on foot.   It then dawned on me to go to the Padaria where my babysitter works in the a.m.  I get there and I knew I couldn’t hide the desperation on my face.  I explained that I needed to call her cell phone and suddenly tears started to well up in my eyes.  They were looking for her number and called two numbers but it wasn’t her current cell phone.  They called everyone that knew her, I caused a panic for sure.   I just couldn’t stand there so, I decided that I should go back to my house. This time they were home and I was relieved.

This is the thing; it wasn’t just that the kids were not at home.  I understand that this happens, they lost track of time at the park.  It was that I realized how alone and helpless I was and that the only thing that matters to me in the world is my family.  When I got home I understood but cried a little more. 

I need to slow down my thinking and start living more at peace.  I am happy, but there is something always missing.  I think it is the peace in my heart.  The feeling that what I call boredom is actually anxiety that I don’t want to feel.  I don’t know what causes my anxiety and if I do, I don’t want to brainstorm on paper.   I don’t know if everyone feels it but I have always felt this during my life.  I have everything and it is right in front of me and still I can’t find inner peace. 

Yesterday, along with feeling a bit sick, I had also been contemplating this “peace” thing earlier in the day as I stumbled upon something that touched me so deeply.  I read a website and blog from someone whom I knew when I lived in Alaska.  I had the wonderful experience of meeting a truly amazing person; not only because of his sudden experience that left him blind but because of the way he lives his life, his honesty, his courage and strength.  His name is Dan Bigley and his life changed suddenly when he was attacked by a bear.  I read a story about life from someone who almost lost his and at that moment I realized what I didn’t have.   I have been taking so many things in life for granted because as I was moving forward, I kept looking back.   Dan, you are truly an Inspiration and yesterday you touched my life and have changed me today.   Today and from now on, I am going to do my best to live my life in the Present.  Here is his website and blog:  http://danbigley.com/