A No Expectation Kind of Year

I don’t know what it is but I haven’t wanted to write for a while now. Actually even right now I am trying to convince myself. New Years was great, quiet with Rodrigo’s family. We ate a lot of wonderful food as always and took it easy. I can’t think of what direction to go. Should I tell you my New Year’s resolutions, talk about my trip to America coming up in a couple of weeks, Rodrigo’s business, my state of mind or 2012?

I guess I will just start with my new year’s resolution and it is… nothing. I have nothing. Maybe it is to have no expectations. The only thing I have learned in 35 years is that life is very unpredictable, so maybe I am just keeping it real time, going with the flow, keeping my stress low and finding ways to enjoy my kids. Actually, one way I decided to lower my stress with the kids is to completely organize the house. Not leave one corner available for Gabriela to get into anything. She is one of those kids who have to touch everything and the sharper, wetter or more expensive a thing is… the more appealing. I am also crazy about dirty things; it has become worse due to the fact that there is a lot of trash, dust, and animal shit around my neighborhood. So, today, I made them a playroom so that now they have a place to go that is upstairs too. We are calling it the “Imagination Station & Quiet Corner”. Yes it is serving a dual purpose. Actually I have gone from a pack rat to a person who loves to throw shit out. So that covers New Years and on to my trip.

U.S.A., here I come. Funny in Brasil I have to put the A at the end which makes me feel like I am writing a logo on a t-shirt or something. In the United States I always abbreviated it U.S. but in Brasil it is E.U.A. Actually when I say America or the U.S. people look confused and I never use E.U.A so…well actually this is a short story to describe how my Portuguese is going. Hardy har and I aint fuckin kidding. I was looking through some papers that a friend of mine gave to me to help me with my Portuguese. He wrote out the many ways of conjugating a verb in Portuguese. So today I got to see the 24 other ways that I am not using the verb Drink, Love or Sleep right. This is another reason that I need to go the U.S…I need some inspiration for my return. It is like I am special and not just because I am American anymore. Now I am special in like a bearded lady sort of way.

Well anyway, I couldn’t be more excited and neither are the kids. It will just be us and we will be gone for 2 months. Do I think it will be too long? I guess that is what I am going to find out. I want to find out if I am going to miss Brasil. Sure I have fun here and sure we have family here, but will I long to return?

You know we are on Vacation right now and have been since the 20^th of Dec. My mom asked me the other day if it was like being in Prison. That would sound weird to most, but it is true that we spend almost all of our day in our house. We swim and play at the park but really other than a walk daily to the store we are in the house. Why? Safety? Dirty Streets? Everything’s expensive? No one to hang with? Communication? I don’t know. Actually it is all of these things. I guess that is why I have been such a good blogger for the past year. You have become my outlet. I even tried to keep up with my American Politics, but for my own sake I had to let that go. That wasn’t the new direction that I wanted to take myself. So, I will go. With no expectations and will spend my time relaxing and vacationing in America and loving all of the little things that I took for granted.

Speaking of that…right now I can only imagine how happy I am going to be to sit in the bathtub and have hot water to wash my clothes and hands? I am thinking about how wonderful it is going to be to look out the front door of my house and not see a gate and to not smell the smell of some asshole burning plastic for a whole 2 months. I feel like cussing uncontrollably or crying. You see it is the fucking details; I overlook them from time to time to balance my life. So I don’t know what to expect for 2012, I don’t know what I want and I really don’t know who I am anymore. All I know is that whatever this process has done to me and I am grateful for growth, I know that after my trip to America something will be clear and maybe that is why this year I have no expectations. Maybe this head change will be the heart change that I am looking for.

Well there we go, it’s a blog. I guess I can leave Rodrigo’s business, my state of mind or 2012 for another day. Again, Happy New Year my Friends!