The Test

So this was my first night in my new home.  I had my first class to teach this particular day and Rodrigo was at work till 12am.  Since I was here, I decided to just wait for Rodrigo to get off of work and then sleep at the house- kids were with his parents.  The next day was the day that we were going to move our stuff into our new home.

After my class, which went really well, I wanted to get something to eat.  I wanted to go sit somewhere and eat but… I had never done this before in Brasil.  I am not sure if women do things like this alone.  By nature this would not be a problem however not only am I unsure of where to go or if it is culturally acceptable but it is now getting dark.   What happened was that I drove in circles looking for a place that would be comfortable.   I am at a point now where I can talk to people if and only if they want to talk to me, because if they don’t they will not understand me.  They are closed off and maybe just because they are too busy.  Most people want to talk to me but It can’t be too crowded or too many people around.  I have to single one person out at a time to get anything accomplished.  So, I just drive and drive and look into every building to see if it is perfect and nothing looks perfect.  Nothing looks easy, so I find a grocery store.  At least now I can wonder around looking for something to eat.   As I am pulling in, I realize it is now dark.  I had never been out driving at night and now it is a new city to boot.  I get a feeling of being scared & nervous of the unknown.   I haven’t been this alone in years… years!  So alone, so lonely I just wanted my kids around- fighting, screaming, whatever.

I wanted to be on my own and I am very happy about choosing to move to my own house however it was reality.  The reality that I am living in a place that I know nothing about and now in a neighborhood where I don’t know anyone.  A town where I do not know anyone and no one knows me. 

I was wondering around the grocery store and I looked really out of place and not just because I went by the ham (or at least it looked like ham) 4 times before I chose ham, then the same with the mustard, but because I think you could see the fear of the unknown in my eyes.  Like can I open a pop in this grocery store, drink it and then pay for it?   Just then a student of mine walked by and said Hi, by this time I was sweating.  I had never been a lone in Brasil… Never!  At the very least my dog Bhellie was with me.   She noticed that I was standing out like a sore thumb.  We chatted and my blood pressure went down and then I paid for my stuff and left.  I went to my house and fixed a sandwich, chugged a beer from my front porch and then decided to go pick up Rodrigo early.  This time I was eager to be out at night, I had a purpose… however I left the house 1.5 hours early.  Needless to say I sat around and waited and thought about the emotions that I was going through.  After I picked him up I didn’t sleep all night and it wasn’t because I wasn’t tired… this time it was because it was hot and I was laying on a little mattress on the hard tile, thinking about mosquitos. 

BTW... Mosquitos are not worse here except late at night at the beach.  We just had a few traumatic experiences with them.  It reminds me of Alaska except they are not that big.