I am sitting here at 7:44am getting ready to go to school on Saturday. My eyes are tired and my body feels heavy. You know that feeling; your mind is awake but your body seems to be confused as to where you are and what to do next. However, I do have my first cup of coffee now in front of me and I am typing a bit faster now.
Life is better today, but mostly because I have changed my attitude. I was feeling desperate for about a week (& I was PMSing). The thing about having little money in Brasil is that you are never alone, it is common here and everyone survives and no one goes hungry. This is strangely very comforting. When I feel desperate you know what I do? I day dream in class; I flash back to all of good times in my memory. They are strange too. Sometimes they are of places that I have been, like on vacation and other times I go back to when I was a child. The funny thing is that when I flash back to my childhood, I can’t explain why it was that moment that I was taken too. It wasn’t a vacation or a gift in my hand, they are just random moments. The only thing I can think of was that it might represent freedom from the struggles of life. Mostly times before I was a teen because it was a pretty easy life, I guess. Then I have a moment to be thankful and then I go back to my teaching.
I have recently changed schools which was another surprise for me because the first school was the only sanity that I had since arriving in Brasil. When I arrived at the first school I can only describe it this way; I felt like my ship had sunk in the ocean and the school was like a piece of wood floating by that I hung on to so that I did not drown. Yes, really.
I guess I was feeling better or finally in a position that when I was offered better money, I decided to take it and jump again. Actually there was also lot of drama at the school too, some of which was unavoidable.
However, alongside of the choice to go came new friends and always interesting experiences. By the way, those of you who just picked up and read my blog from cover to cover… A huge thank you!!! You are wonderful and thanks again for you feedback and time. And of course for those who have been loyal readers…The world wouldn’t move without you in it. Beijoaca.
Another interesting thing about my time in Brasil and my inability to change who I am and inability to truly understand the culture, sometimes I don’t know if I am at D list celeb status or an outcast. I often wonder from time to time why people are actually looking at me or taking pictures. Either way, I enjoy the spotlight from time to time and the fact that they tolerate me so well. Thank god for the English language, because if no one wanted to learn it my life would be quite different here and I might say miserable.
The other day, I tried to make the connection with a Mexican who has come to America. In Brasil I can get by usually on a day to day basis without fully communicating. However, someone reminded me that it actually is more difficult, because most people do not know the English language here in my town. I can communicate in some circles, but if I was ever in trouble, needing help with my car, trying to dispute a bill or any other situation that was not enjoying life in a calm setting; getting what I really wanted across could be somewhat impossible. Let me give you an example:
Ok, so the other day I was driving home from school and the light went from Green to Yellow and I stopped at the intersection. I stopped and the car behind me stopped then the car behind him slammed into the back of his car. Crash and then Crash again, this time it was into the back of my car. When the car first hit, my thought were…Shit, this could be bad. I have to call Rodrigo…Oh shit, I don’t have a phone, I am going to have to use someone’s phone… Ok, think Jill…In English, what would I normally do? So, I turned and parked alongside the road. The other 2 cars just stopped at the intersection. I got out and stood by the back of my car and just watched everyone to see how to behave, don’t speak…Don’t speak, I thought. I looked at the two men and they started to access the damage. The man in the middle had his front lights busted and his trunk wouldn’t close along with busted tail lights. The man behind him had busted headlights and they were not saying anything. Just standing there and shaking their heads. I thought, I’d better take a look at my car, so I looked and just a few pieces of glass sitting on my bumper from the other car… oh good, I thought. Now what? The guys were not passing out insurance cards and two police have driven by and neither stopped so I guess things are a bit different here.
I just looked at the people waiting for someone to say something and they didn’t… they looked at me and I looked at them and we both shook our heads in disappointment. I just stayed quiet because I didn’t want them to hear my Portuguese… maybe it would be like in America…who ever talks first loses and my biggest fear was that the moment I spoke they would look at each other and then point at me and say “She did it” at the same time. Oh, not good. But nothing happened and clearly they weren’t mad at me then I thought I maybe I could just leave… but didn’t cuz then I would have to talk, so I just waited and when they got in their cars so did I. My heart was racing and I was shaking a bit. Holy shit! I’d better be more aware that these situations are possible and what if something happened to the kids? Do I know what to do, who to call? The ambulance as far as I can tell doesn’t even seem to be public. They are vans owned by private people, parked in front of their houses at night. What do I do? Is it even 911 anymore? Nope, btw... it is 190 for emergencies. But this was another moment when I just had to wake up and smell the pineapple juice.
Here in my town not everyone knows English especially the public servants, small business owners, retail, etc. However I have managed to keep from drowning. In America it is more possible to know Spanish and get around because there are communities of Spanish speaking people and businesses who cater to the Spanish speaking community…I guess it is the same but different. One thing that is the same was that one day when I realized that Bernard knew more of the native language than I… this means that I may know how to go to the grocery store, bank,buy gas and get direction but he knows how to talk to the people. Bernard knows how to communicate and play, both the kids can talk with Rodrigo’s family much better than I can, of course the things that I want to say are much more complicated but still I have a hard time hearing what people are saying. Maybe it is what I preach to the students everyday “Confidence”. I guess I am not practicing what I preach.
So, here is an example where I can relate to Mexicans in America. Ok, when a family moves to America it is very typical, the kids start school, the husband goes to work and the wife usually stays at home. She generally doesn’t really learn English because her friends speak Spanish and she learns to get by and lets face it… it is harder to learn a language the older you get. I never thought I would say that …but I am. So one day my neighbor was by chatting to me super-fast… this is typical of Native Brazilians they don’t understand that they need to slow down. I say “falla Devagar, por favor”… and it never changes, I was kind of used to it because it was the same with Rodrigo’s family. The Portuguese language is full of slang, spoken fast and spoken like a song, if someone doesn’t know a foreigner it is a difficult concept to accept…that one doesn’t know the language. I have neighbors that I want to talk to but every time it is a disaster and so I just stopped trying to make small talk. It can be so frustrating… so one day I looked at Ben and said “what did she say”? It was that day I made the connection that I was the Mexican Momma in America… or the American Momma in Brasil.
