Times they are a changing

Something has happened and it is more foreign to me than living in a foreign country…I have finally lost control of the thing that I thought only I could be in control of.  It’s official… I have found myself out of control of the finances. 

I actually could relate for the first time to a T.V. mom.  You know the mom who takes care of the kids while the dad provides for the family and the wife knows little about his job?  I know little because he is just starting and he is always running around or on the phone and to tell you the truth; I am happy with this amount of information.  At this point I can offer no advice, stick my nose in the middle of anything or drive him crazy with “did you think of…” questions.  Ok, yes I still bother him with questions but I think I just ask out of habit because I really don’t care much for the answer.  I am loving being out of the loop.  Of course I still have a job and a job that I love but now I put the money in the jar for Rodrigo to worry about.  So, what do I do now? 

Well, I decided to become serious about my role as Dona de Casa (Housewife).  The first day was the worst as I cleaned and cleaned while I was messing up other things and then cleaning them again.  It is a job and you have to have technique.  You have to have a schedule and priorities.  So today after work…I tried it again and this time it was easier.  Easier because I am trying to change my mind about how I look at cleaning.  I started with the floors and worked up and made lunch at the same time.  My problem is that I only like to do the dishes in payments actually I do everything a little at a time and then move on to another thing which leaves me with many unfinished projects.  I did this in America too but here you can always see or feel the dirty on your feet.  Tile everywhere.

The second part of my plan is to find more places for us to go that are free, start to read about what goes on in the city and start to work on my casual Portuguese.  This is where I have failed at Portuguese; I didn’t learn how to bullshit.  You know Rodrigo knows 5 languages in Bullshit…I have to learn Portuguese the same way now. :)

Foolishness

I was recently laughed at because of the ideas that we have about how to live life.  I guess many people think we should just accept the life that Brasil has to offer and not try to change it.  It is the Box; if you live in the box there is little chance for riches but possibly just a good life.  It is true that Rodrigo and I think we can have it all and we have sacrificed many things for a better life which is in our definition; a life where happiness comes first.  We have traded security for adventure many times and we hate to be bored. Now I am willing to settle down but not willing to stop asking for more out of life.     

A childs lesson

Instead of Running away from who we are, we should start to embrace it!
-I saw this on Dr. Doolittle this morning.  A good reminder for the day. 

Breaking Bad

I am watching a crazy show right now “Breaking Bad”.  I recently got Net Flix and started a new series.  It is a lot like the show “weeds” but with Meth.  I kept watching hoping that it would be funny and it isn’t but it is good.  It says Violent, Dark & Gritty and it is all of that.  I am on the last season that I can possibly watch and I can’t wait till it is over.  Sometimes I think it is the longest 45 minutes of my life getting through the episodes.   Ever watched a show that made you feel paranoid or played with your daily attitude towards life?  This one will do it. I will be more picky next time.

You said What?

Yesterday it was very hot outside and so I took the kids to the pool.   I was very tired due to the fact that I just walked 1.5 miles carrying Gabi to pick up Ben from School.  It seems as if when I am walking with Gabi, she wants to be held.  I hold her all the way…No problem because if I don’t we go at a snail’s pace and we always seem to get a late start anyway.  Even Bhellie was too tired &hot to finish the walk and I had to carry her for a little bit of the journey which ended up at the Padaria with ice cream.  So, then we went to the pool to cool down.   When at the pool, Ben always finds someone to play with right away and Gabi practices her swimming.    She has a floating swimsuit and has just learned how to paddle to keep her head above the water.  Now she jumps in and yesterday was trying to stick her head under, she is my risk taker.  The neat thing about being at the pool is that there are mostly kids and parents talking and I understood every word.  I heard everything for 2 hours solid.  I felt like I was in a different world and had a burst of confidence.    I also wondered if I was always able to hear but had my mind closed?  It made me think.  

The other night we went to a party of one of my students.  We arrived late so it was just his family there and they were very gracious.  The made more food for us and were giving us beers by the threes.  It was awesome.  For some it was the first time that they had sat with a Foreigner and there were two…and Fernando.  It was funny, Fernando was pissed because everyone was saying how much they loved Addisun & I and were catering to us and he just sat there.  At one point there was a woman who could speak Portuguese but was losing her hearing so she had to read lips.  She said to me “if you don’t know Portuguese it is because you don’t want to”.  I guess I pointed at her and said “Your right!”  Now I had a many beers and when Addisun reminded me about it the next day I thought it was hilarious because I was being honest.  I was giving the short answer to the complicated situation that I had with my journey here.  It may be true, I didn’t want to learn.  I was so frustrated with my first 3 months here in Brasil that I was just waiting to go home and surviving the rest. 

It was my response to feeling completely misunderstood and unaccepted when I first arrived.  Of course it was contradictive to my experience but let’s just say there were many unexpected surprises and learning curves.   I can’t explain it really but it was my truth, maybe since then; bringing it to the forefront of my mind, I can now start to hear and let go of the past.  For some time I also have to admit for the first time in my life; I was harboring anger.

With so much misunderstanding and the fact that I couldn’t communicate, I decided not to communicate especially once I met English speaking friends.  I guess I had the “I’ll show you” mentality but hurt me instead.  Who knows why we punish ourselves for things that we can’t understand or change.  I don’t feel anger anymore when I think back, now I accept that it was a confusing time for all and I may never understand and guess what?  That’s OK!  My mom will be soooo proud.