Horses & Bicycles

Sometimes I don’t always say the crazy things that I see every day in my neighborhood.  For instance, in my neighborhood many people only ride bikes for transportation and going double on a bike is very common (boyfriends/girlfriends, Friends, and Families).  I have seen a family of four on a bike many times.  From the first moment I thought… I want a bicycle.  Then there is the for hire horse pulling a trailer used as a moving/delivery truck, the cows that walk around in the morning on the streets going through trash, the construction workers in thongs or people riding motorcycles barefoot and you know what I think?  I want a horse.

Then other times when life is hard…I think why are you so fucking understanding?  What is normal anyway? I have had many head trips over the last year and finally I think I am starting to figure out one thing…That comparing two countries as different as the U.S.A & Brasil is impossible.  Remember the old saying “you can’t compare Apples and Oranges?”  Sometimes I like to repeat those sayings but never really think about how they apply to me.  Rodrigo has said to me, since my arrival, stop comparing! Stop trying to see Brasil through American eyes…however, it was a personal journey no doubt and I wanted to feel it all.  I think I am in need of a vacation to America to process this last year of my life and when I return, it will be time to get busy fitting in.  Cuz wherever you go; foreign country, shitty job or drinking on an island…There you are. 

So since I started out with what I see daily in my neighborhood, let me give you another fun example.  One Saturday as we were coming home from the Trout Farm this is what saw as we entered into my neighborhood.  1^st there was an older lady walking hand in hand with a naked 2 year old baby boy down the main road.   Then a minute later there were 3 guys on bikes pushing our car into the oncoming traffic instead of moving to the side of the road, then as we turned onto our street there were 2 horses walking down the street side by side. Good thing we were home.  However the most surprising was last Thursday when the kids and I walked down to pick up our pizza and on our way back there were 50 cows being herded down the middle of the street.  Ben got scared and I thought if this was Nebraska and we were in the middle of the field; we’d better run.  However, in the middle of the neighborhood and assuming that the cows are used to people, I realized that we were safer than we thought and maybe this would be a great time for Gabi to pet her first Cow.  J

After a long day of work, tired kids and a dirty house I was so close to losing my mind tonight.

The grass isnt always greener, It is all about how you choose to experience it.

A Brazilian Turkey Day!

Thanksgiving in Brasil was wonderful.   Addisun & Fernando came over to cook before the celebration that started at around 7…actually 8ish Brazilian time.  My friend Naty & Bruno coordinated the party and almost everyone who works at the School was there.  

I was in charge of the Green Bean Casserole & Creamed peas and not to toot my own horn…but this time I out did myself.  How’s that???  Well, in the United States the standard version of Green Bean Casserole is frozen beans, cream of mushroom soup then cover with French Onions & Bake.  You can do it with your eyes closed, however here in Brasil a can of Cambell’s Cream of Mushroom soup was on sale for the low price of R$9.79/can.   So, I had to get creative. 

I used heavy cream, mushroom/Onion soup packets, onions, garlic, bacon grease and fresh beans.  Then I topped it with slivered almonds and parmesan cheese.  I creamed the peas with heavy cream, onions, garlic, salt, bacon, frozen peas & then topped with batata fritas.  There is a secret ingredient of course; Love & white American cheese.  Damn processed Cheese, I love you.   

When Saturday approached I was so excited; followed by a bottle of wine while cooking and being incredibly thankful, I decided to give a speech.  Well it really started 2 days ago when Fernando and I both had a “no show” class.   We sat and watched our all-time favorite comedian “Chris Rock”.  I might have been a bit inspired, though my true purpose was to let everyone know that- I know that- my experience in Brasil would be nothing if it weren’t for them.  I couldn’t have had a better day and the dinner was amazing.  It was a Thanksgiving to remember.

Beautiful Things

Today I realized that I don’t cry much anymore about life going wrong but I cry all the time when I see beautiful things.

It is just a decision now

My Favorite Holiday is here again; Thanksgiving.  I called my parents today  and they were unpacking groceries with my sister, then they mentioned that they were getting ready to put the turkey in the oven….This is when I looked at the date and saw that I am missing Thanksgiving. 

Why is it my favorite?  Well, I love to eat and we drink wine while we are cooking and waiting for the dinner, the house smells wonderful, we are always with Great Friends and Family and we do nothing else except take a nap.  Of all of the holidays, Thanksgiving tops my list.  There isn’t any stress, because the stressful part is the part I love.  There isn’t any above and beyond costs; there isn’t any forgetting anyone or anything, there is just the love and laughter of being together.

We will have a Thanksgiving Feast on Saturday night with my friends from school and I will be making the Gravy and Green Bean Casserole.  This should compensate for being so far away from home, but actually now this is my home.  With new homes & new opportunities, there is new tradition and new friends to spend the time with.  I feel very lucky to have the friends that I do here in Brasil.  This is what I am thankful for this year.

About 3 months ago, I left my school for another school which was in another town and for more money as we were in a tight space.  I made the decision to change schools in 2 days and I decided solely for the money.  Once I was gone, all I could think was “What did you do?” & “did you even think about what kind of change you were making?”  It was then followed by the thought that I just gave up the only security that I had in Brasil for just a bit more money. 

It wasn’t too long before I realized that it wasn’t worth it.  The students were wonderful at the new school and so were the teachers, it had nothing to do with them…it had to do with my security.  The owner was constantly changing the agreement so I always felt like I was going to lose everything and it would all have been for nothing, the drive was 30 minutes each way in a car that sometimes wouldn’t start and I was gone for most of the day.  Suddenly it didn’t feel like a fun way to make money anymore, it was just a job. A truly Brazilian Job; I got a chance to experience what Rodrigo had to deal with for the last 9 months.  It made me realize how truly lucky I was to have landed where I did when we first moved to this town. 

One thing for sure was I didn’t need the stress.  In the United States, my stress was digestion and tension headaches which were very debilitating at times, but here the stress was more chronic and it would show up in my famous rashes, a stiff neck that would cause pain in my arms or during this period my skin started to hurt. I thought I was going to fall apart.  Actually a couple of weeks before I put in my notice, I came home and told Rodrigo “in 14 days I am going to lose it”, I knew I could not do it any longer.  So, I just made the decision to stop, stop trying the impossible.  Stop carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and to realize that I was doing all that I can and I can’t do what I was doing anymore.

I was working 4 different jobs and raising the kids, when was enough going to be enough?  So I jumped and put all of my faith into my husband and he has not let me down since.  When I gave up, it was actually a soft pillow underneath for me to land.  When I made the decision to go back to the other school, miraculously overnight my stress & symptoms also started to dissipate. 

Now today I think back and feel so much relief and still can’t believe that I did what I did.  I think how much different my life is today and how much more peace that I have.  A while ago, in “Foolishness” I said that I was ready to settle down and this is true, but not ready to stop asking and truly believing in what I want for my life. Brasil or America maybe I can have it all, it is just a decision now.

Finally I have finished the last of Breaking Bad.  It has been a wild ride and I has taken all of my spare time but I  enjoyed every minute of it.  Check it out!

Skyping my Family today.  I miss them and the xmas decorations around town really are making me miss home. 

Another week has flown by.  We went to the Market today and got a ton of veggies.  Made soup and also noticed that Gabi has grown 2 inches and has moved to the terrible 3's.  There is nothing left untouched or unspilled in this house. 

Times they are a changing

Something has happened and it is more foreign to me than living in a foreign country…I have finally lost control of the thing that I thought only I could be in control of.  It’s official… I have found myself out of control of the finances. 

I actually could relate for the first time to a T.V. mom.  You know the mom who takes care of the kids while the dad provides for the family and the wife knows little about his job?  I know little because he is just starting and he is always running around or on the phone and to tell you the truth; I am happy with this amount of information.  At this point I can offer no advice, stick my nose in the middle of anything or drive him crazy with “did you think of…” questions.  Ok, yes I still bother him with questions but I think I just ask out of habit because I really don’t care much for the answer.  I am loving being out of the loop.  Of course I still have a job and a job that I love but now I put the money in the jar for Rodrigo to worry about.  So, what do I do now? 

Well, I decided to become serious about my role as Dona de Casa (Housewife).  The first day was the worst as I cleaned and cleaned while I was messing up other things and then cleaning them again.  It is a job and you have to have technique.  You have to have a schedule and priorities.  So today after work…I tried it again and this time it was easier.  Easier because I am trying to change my mind about how I look at cleaning.  I started with the floors and worked up and made lunch at the same time.  My problem is that I only like to do the dishes in payments actually I do everything a little at a time and then move on to another thing which leaves me with many unfinished projects.  I did this in America too but here you can always see or feel the dirty on your feet.  Tile everywhere.

The second part of my plan is to find more places for us to go that are free, start to read about what goes on in the city and start to work on my casual Portuguese.  This is where I have failed at Portuguese; I didn’t learn how to bullshit.  You know Rodrigo knows 5 languages in Bullshit…I have to learn Portuguese the same way now. :)

Foolishness

I was recently laughed at because of the ideas that we have about how to live life.  I guess many people think we should just accept the life that Brasil has to offer and not try to change it.  It is the Box; if you live in the box there is little chance for riches but possibly just a good life.  It is true that Rodrigo and I think we can have it all and we have sacrificed many things for a better life which is in our definition; a life where happiness comes first.  We have traded security for adventure many times and we hate to be bored. Now I am willing to settle down but not willing to stop asking for more out of life.     

A childs lesson

Instead of Running away from who we are, we should start to embrace it!
-I saw this on Dr. Doolittle this morning.  A good reminder for the day. 

Breaking Bad

I am watching a crazy show right now “Breaking Bad”.  I recently got Net Flix and started a new series.  It is a lot like the show “weeds” but with Meth.  I kept watching hoping that it would be funny and it isn’t but it is good.  It says Violent, Dark & Gritty and it is all of that.  I am on the last season that I can possibly watch and I can’t wait till it is over.  Sometimes I think it is the longest 45 minutes of my life getting through the episodes.   Ever watched a show that made you feel paranoid or played with your daily attitude towards life?  This one will do it. I will be more picky next time.

You said What?

Yesterday it was very hot outside and so I took the kids to the pool.   I was very tired due to the fact that I just walked 1.5 miles carrying Gabi to pick up Ben from School.  It seems as if when I am walking with Gabi, she wants to be held.  I hold her all the way…No problem because if I don’t we go at a snail’s pace and we always seem to get a late start anyway.  Even Bhellie was too tired &hot to finish the walk and I had to carry her for a little bit of the journey which ended up at the Padaria with ice cream.  So, then we went to the pool to cool down.   When at the pool, Ben always finds someone to play with right away and Gabi practices her swimming.    She has a floating swimsuit and has just learned how to paddle to keep her head above the water.  Now she jumps in and yesterday was trying to stick her head under, she is my risk taker.  The neat thing about being at the pool is that there are mostly kids and parents talking and I understood every word.  I heard everything for 2 hours solid.  I felt like I was in a different world and had a burst of confidence.    I also wondered if I was always able to hear but had my mind closed?  It made me think.  

The other night we went to a party of one of my students.  We arrived late so it was just his family there and they were very gracious.  The made more food for us and were giving us beers by the threes.  It was awesome.  For some it was the first time that they had sat with a Foreigner and there were two…and Fernando.  It was funny, Fernando was pissed because everyone was saying how much they loved Addisun & I and were catering to us and he just sat there.  At one point there was a woman who could speak Portuguese but was losing her hearing so she had to read lips.  She said to me “if you don’t know Portuguese it is because you don’t want to”.  I guess I pointed at her and said “Your right!”  Now I had a many beers and when Addisun reminded me about it the next day I thought it was hilarious because I was being honest.  I was giving the short answer to the complicated situation that I had with my journey here.  It may be true, I didn’t want to learn.  I was so frustrated with my first 3 months here in Brasil that I was just waiting to go home and surviving the rest. 

It was my response to feeling completely misunderstood and unaccepted when I first arrived.  Of course it was contradictive to my experience but let’s just say there were many unexpected surprises and learning curves.   I can’t explain it really but it was my truth, maybe since then; bringing it to the forefront of my mind, I can now start to hear and let go of the past.  For some time I also have to admit for the first time in my life; I was harboring anger.

With so much misunderstanding and the fact that I couldn’t communicate, I decided not to communicate especially once I met English speaking friends.  I guess I had the “I’ll show you” mentality but hurt me instead.  Who knows why we punish ourselves for things that we can’t understand or change.  I don’t feel anger anymore when I think back, now I accept that it was a confusing time for all and I may never understand and guess what?  That’s OK!  My mom will be soooo proud.

Rodrigo's Bday

Rodrigo is another year older and he spent all day in the city working hard at his business.  I am very proud of him for the work he has been doing.  It is hard to stop getting involved but there is something to it, and I think I like it. 
Waiting for him to get home tonight... bought him a launches and Brama for a quick dinner before bed. 
Ta Ta for now.

Purple

When I was a little girl, I loved the color purple.  My whole room was purple; carpet and all.  Now I have a little girl who loves both pink and purple but chooses purple all of the time.  Today I walked out of the house with a purple shirt, purple nails and toes… and I felt great and very feminine.  It was a moment when I noticed an old childhood feeling; drowned in purple.  It was a soft feeling, it was calming and I felt beautiful for the first time in a long time. 

I guess since the babies were born, I haven’t made too much time for me.  Rodrigo’s mom took in some of my shirts and it feels good not to have to wear a sack anymore.  This move has been a long journey, but I like the changes I have made on myself.  One of my favorite women of all time in Alaska told me that one day I would live up to my middle name... "Maria".  I was thinking at the time...I love the strong name "Jill" and I couldn't see it, but I think I can relate to what she was saying now.     

Sunday Wrap Up

Well in a nutshell....

Baby kitty came back but left again.  Saturday chili party was a huge hit and everyone had a great time as the chili was awesome.  After I went to a student’s party and had fun.  A hangover, then today we went to the wedding of my friends.  Too tired to say much but it was a busy weekend and we are all exhausted.   Early morning tomorrow so good night.

Baby Kitty

Today we found a Baby kitten in our garage.  It was love at first sight, but then she ran away.  Probably went back to her home as we didn’t think of that possibility.  We took her on a long walk, fed her, made a litter box and she took a long nap on the couch but after about 4pm she left and we haven’t seen her again tonight.  We have been careful not to fall in love with the street animals and our first love was with a street kitten.  

I asked the kids what we should name her and they both said “how about Casi?” (Which happens to be our cat’s name).   I was expecting something funny.   I will ask again…”Awesome Cat” or “snort” and Gabi said “Kitty”.  Not much from the peanut gallery tonight.  We will see if the cat again tomorrow, I thought we were a convincing home .   

Chili Party

Well next big party is going to be a chili party.  Addisun's mom sent her chili packets, they dont sell chili powder here can you believe it.  So Saturday if you are reading this... you are invited.  Just bring the beer!

Gabi is 3!

The Many Faces of Gabi…
So, today we had Gabi's 3 year old B-day party at her Grandma & Grandpa's. She looked gorgeous today and had a blast. Not only did Gabi get a few gifts, but Ben got his Wii that Tia Dani brought as a Christmas gift from my family in America. It was a beautiful day with family and everyone was sleeping by 8pm tonight.
Today was another holiday here in Brasil "The day of the dead" not like Halloween...I think more like Memorial Day.

Actually it is called Dia de Finados